Blogs...

I have been reading way too many blogs.  I stumbled upon an "autism mom blog" and of course, she links to many more "autism mom blogs" and I just can't stop reading.  I definitely do not have time to be reading all of these blogs.  But what I really don't have is the emotional head space to be reading these blogs.  They are making me think!  Normally, I would say thinking is a good thing.  I would typically describe myself as a critical thinker and a fairly smart person who likes to use her brain.  But, since autism has entered my world, I really do not want to use my brain.  In fact, I wish I could find someone who could just tell me all the information I need to know it one short and concise paragraph and then make the magic happen.  Unfortunately, it does not work that way.  When Jack was diagnosed, I asked the doctor and the pediatrician and the BCBA, what the prognosis would be for him.  They all said he was too young to tell.  So, I decided then and there, if no one could tell me, then I would just go with the plan that he will be "just fine".  And, in my mind, the way I define "just fine", is that he will go to 1st grade, be in regular education, have friends, and do whatever it is that he enjoys.  Early on in our autism journey, actually before we even had a diagnosis, a friend suggested I contact an old acquaintance she had.  So, I did.  She has twin boys, who at the time were seniors in high school.  They had been diagnosed with autism at 3 years old and by 1st grade, were functioning just fine.  The day after we received the diagnosis, I called her.  I was having what I can only describe as a mental breakdown.  I was not in control of myself in a way that has never happened to me.  I was literally laying on the ground in the fetal position, sobbing.  She came over to my house.  I had never met her before and had barely spoken with her, but she was my angel that day.  She gave me her copy of "Let Me Hear Your Voice."  She gave me a bunch of cards that she had used with her boys.  And she told me her story.  She probably has no idea how much she impacted me and my thinking.  From that day on, I decided I would just do what she did and expect the same outcome.  Every now and then, we meet for lunch.  I tell her how Jack is doing.  She tells me how much better he is doing than her kids were at that age.  I feel better.  And I go on believing that Jack will be "just fine".  And, I still believe it.  He has made TREMENDOUS progress.  He is beginning to talk and will put 3 and sometimes even 4 words together.  We have finished OT because he seems able to regulate his sensory needs.  He is, according to Rebecca, in "intermediate" programming in the ABA program.  He and Mason, our friend across the street, have play dates twice a week and Jack and Mason held hands as the therapist and Jack walked Mason home after the last play date.  Jack played soccer and went to gymnastics and did as well, if not better, than most of the kids in the class.  He is going to be "just fine".  But, some of this "thinking" stuff has got me thinking.  And, I am not sure I even want to say it out loud (or write it out loud).  So, maybe I won't just quite yet.  I will keep thinking about it and rolling it around in my brain.  And maybe, I will call my "angel" and see what she thinks about all of these things I am reading.  I know what she will say - "Stop Reading".  And I will try, because I know I should not be reading.  Like I said, I do not have the time or energy to be reading other people's blogs on autism.  But, with her children, her journey is really done.  They are going into their sophomore year in college, at an out of state university, and are living on their own.  They have made friends and are happy and healthy.  Once I get to that place (still thinking Jack will get to that place), it may seem easier to say not to focus on anything and have confidence Jack will be fine.  And really, I do have confidence he will be "just fine" because there is just as much to say he will be, in fact possibly even more, than there is to say he will not be.  But, there is a tiny part of me that wonders if.  And, am I doing the right things?  Is there anything else I should be doing?  There is so much information out there, I cannot possibly read it all or know everything.  And, I do not know who to believe about the various contradictions.  But, I will meet my "angel" for lunch.  I will tell her how Jack is doing.  She will tell me he is doing so much better than her kids were at his age.  And, I will feel better.